National Coming Out Day has been celebrated on Oct. 11 every year since 1988. The day brings awareness to LGBTQ+ rights and highlights how coming out can be an important part of reclaiming the right to live authentically.
This year, the Up First newsletter team asked people to share their coming out experiences. We received more than 170 responses. Here are some of the many stories people shared, along with their best advice for others looking to take the same step.
Responses have been edited for length and clarity.
Seek a support system
Victor Ortiz Jr. initially came out to his sister after his first boyfriend left him because he was still in the closet. At the time, he lied and said he was bisexual. His sister reacted very lovingly.
A few days later, Ortiz took his dad to the San Antonio River Walk. When they returned to the car, Ortiz shared the news of his sexual identity with his dad. He said he was bisexual again — even though that is not how he identified — in the hope of sparing pain to the people he loved. "I denied and injected a lie I thought would help," Ortiz said.
Ortiz, who was 24 at the time, kept the secret from his mom because he didn't think she would understand. He pretended to be someone he wasn't for the next 18 years. He was still hiding his identity when he met his friend Joe. Ortiz says Joe was a true friend who helped him come out and make gay friends.
At 37, Ortiz met his future husband. This July, the 42-year-old decided to text his parents to express how he felt, share his journey and inform them about the person he loves, Justin. His dad responded with love and full acceptance. Ortiz says his mother has yet to respond.
"I think my mom just has a hard time communicating. I know she loves me. I just wish we were closer. It's difficult," Ortiz expressed. "I think she'd love Justin."
Ortiz's advice: "Love yourself. Seek the support of those whom you trust and know that there is nothing wrong with you. There will always be people who hate, and it has been the case since the beginning of time due to ignorance. Please know that you matter. Do not give up. Someone somewhere loves you for who you are, just the way you are."
Extend grace to your loved ones
"I knew I was ready to come out because I no longer just felt proud of being gay — instead, I felt honored to be gay. I felt honored to be in a body that loves differently," Anu Gupta said.
Gupta, 40, came out to his parents at 28. Growing up in an immigrant Indian Hindu family in America, he didn't have a word to describe how he felt inside in Hindi. There were no role models who looked like him, so when he realized he was gay in middle school, he resigned himself to a life in the closet.
His mindset shifted once he began practicing daily meditation in his early 20s. "As I strengthened this practice over the years, I began to feel a deep love, acceptance, and awe for my sexuality and the way it wanted to love," Gupta said.
During Christmas 2013, he decided he would no longer hide his sexuality from his parents. He had a hunch his parents wouldn't see things the same way he did. He wrote down everything he wanted to say and asked for their undivided attention before telling them he was gay.
Gupta says that his parents seemed devastated by the news, but says he doesn't blame them because he knows who he is without shame.
"Two years ago, on Diwali, on the same couch where I came out to my parents, I proposed to my then boyfriend (who is now my fiancée) with a ring that my mother helped me buy and with both of my parents as our witnesses. It was a full circle moment — and it strengthens my faith in the possibility of change," Gupta said.
Gupta's advice: "Extend grace to your loved ones who have a difficult time with your sexuality. They have their own coming out journey of being a parent, sibling, relative, or friend of someone who is a lesbian, gay, bisexual, trans, queer, etc. With love and patience, even the most hardened hearts can soften — my story is a prime example!"
You hold the keys
When Winnie Aghenu was 17, she came out to her little brother on April Fools' Day and told him that she liked girls. She wanted to have someone to tell about her crushes, and keeping secrets began to eat away at her. She says she picked a holiday normally reserved for pranks because she was a little nervous and unsure how he would react.
Her brother responded with full support and told Aghenu that he loved her and didn't want any girl breaking her heart. She says that to this day, he remains her best friend and number one ally.
"As a Black, gay woman, it feels so good to be unapologetically myself! Being out has made my relationships with my friends and family stronger and allowed me to find a friend group of other queer Black women who I wouldn't have found if I weren't out," Aghenu said.
Aghenu's advice: "Only come out when you're truly ready. Don't let whispers or anyone else force you to come out. People may try to minimize coming out in this new age, but don't let them. Coming out, being vulnerable and sharing a part of yourself with others has a huge impact on your life, and only do it when you truly feel comfortable doing so! You hold the keys to your happiness."
Come out when it feels safe and right
Mel Barkalow, 41, said she stopped fighting how she felt and stopped ignoring the feelings she had inside in 2024 when she began to present as her genuine self: queer.
She says she didn't really tell anyone; she just stopped hiding who she is. She wore rainbows and attended LGBTQ+ events as a member rather than an ally. Her friends and family accepted her gradual changes as if nothing had changed. "It was less coming out and more being re-born," Barkalow said.
Barkalow says she feels freer now that she is out, but is still constrained because she lives and works in a very conservative area. She says she tones herself down when she interacts with the public, but remains true to herself. "I fly my pride and trans flags next to the American flag. I show myself as a safe space," Barkalow said. "And hopefully, I can be the person in their life that humanizes the things they claim to hate."
Barkalow's advice: I understand if there is time to hide. I very much understand this. I had a job where I could have been fired for being my genuine self. Come out when it feels right and safe to do so. And if that is never, then that is OK, too. But do not hide it all inside. Share yourself with someone out there. Find your support network. They are the ones who will help you survive, grow, share and learn who you are. Support networks must be sought out and nourished. I remain living where I do, surrounded by hate and fear and misinformation, because there are good people out there. Good people who support and love through the fear. Find these people. Human connection is vital. You, as your genuine self, are vital. You be you, even if it scares you. You got this, I believe in and love you because you are beautiful. Now you just need to believe it yourself."
Choose happiness over safety
Editor's note: The following story contains mention of suicide.
For 32-year-old Ash Schade, the process of coming out as a trans man was a long one. As a child, he spent some time in conversion therapy and, as a consequence, experienced suicidal ideation growing up. At 22, he narrowly survived a suicide attempt. "While dying, I thought I'd rather be honest about my life and get a second chance than die with a secret," Schade said.
He came out on social media, where people responded angrily. "I was the prom queen, pretty girl, and people didn't want to believe it. Got through the red tape and went on testosterone. Accidentally got pregnant and kept my baby," he said.
Schade says he and his family had to leave their home because they were threatened and felt unsafe. He is now living in Michigan and on the waitlist for bottom surgery.
"Being out and being able to access care was a mercy. I'm able to hold a job, been sober long-term, and I'm raising a healthy daughter as an average guy," Schade said. "The thought of returning to living a lie is horrifying."
Schade's advice: It's better to choose happiness over safety. You'll lose a lot of people and might have to start life over again. It's better now than after life has already passed.
If you or someone you know is struggling with thoughts of suicide, you can dial or text 988 and be connected to help.
This story was edited by Suzanne Nuyen.
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